If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.
- Abigail Van Buren
Clearly children are one of life's most precious gifts. Even so, for millennia adults and children have enjoyed love/hate relationships. Most often conceived by passion and pleasure, parents can stand in awe of the innocence and beauty of their offspring one moment and be flabbergasted by their foolishness and disobedience the next.
Interestingly, the word “Parenting” is relatively new. For better and worse, in just a few decades the topic has generated sixty thousands books and articles. Yet the question remains, “What’s a parent to do?”
There is no question that parenting yields some of life’s most rewarding experiences. Even so, by its very nature, having children is an ongoing battle on a variety of fronts. Raising a family means being responsible for the finances and relationships, housing and healthcare, education and religious training, transportation and entertainment of not only oneself but a spouse and children. If not friends and extended family! And not only for just the present, but the foreseeable future. If not eternity.
The proliferation of parenting advice can be as daunting as it is insightful. A recent work entitled, “The Gardener And The Carpenter” provides an extensive secular overview of the subject. Other much shorter essays like the 3 D’s of Discipline simplify topics into bite sized pieces.
When dealing with the challenges of raising willful children, the historic and/or Biblical models might be codified into the three predominate styles of Breaking, Bending and Redirecting.
In regards to all three, the Bible provides a wealth of information through direct and indirect passages on raising children. Scripture cautions parents to be sure to take God’s commands and corresponding promises to heart themselves, and then find ways to successfully pass them along to their children. And grandchildren:
- “Then God said, “Shall I keep back from Abraham what I’m about to do? Abraham is going to become a large and strong nation; all the nations of the world are going to find themselves blessed through him. Yes, I’ve settled on him as the one to train his children and future family to observe God’s way of life, live kindly and generously and fairly, so that God can complete in Abraham what he promised him." Genesis 18:17-19 MSG
- “Just make sure you stay alert. Keep close watch over yourselves. Don’t forget anything of what you’ve seen. Don’t let your heart wander off. Stay vigilant as long as you live. Teach what you’ve seen and heard to your children and grandchildren.” Deuteronomy 4:9 MSG
- “Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.” Deuteronomy 6: 6-9 MSG
Parenting Styles
1. Breaking: Old School. The most ancient philosophy, that of breaking a child’s will from a very early age and building on a firm foundation of respect and obedience, no doubt arose from necessity. Such constraints included:
- Hardship: Outside the confines of the previously unknown blessings and comforts of modern society, much of life was a series of difficulties and hardships punctuated with illness and disease, pain and death. In the face of constant problems and peril, parents had far less time, energy or money to spend catering to the whims (genuine or not) of children.
- Family size: While infant (and adult) mortality rates were high, prior to birth control and abortion family sizes were much larger than those within the developed world. Coupled with the realities of life, no nonsense parenting was all but a necessity.
- Siblings: Pre-industrial families developed a natural hierarchy of responsibility requiring older children to help train and care for their younger siblings. This both developed parenting skills while also limiting styles to quick and efficient methods.
- Tradition: As with nearly all aspects of life, the handing down of wisdom and knowledge has provided guidance in childrearing. By example and modeling, oral and written traditions from the secular to the sacred established benchmarks throughout history.
- “He who spares his rod [of discipline] hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines diligently and punishes him early.” Proverbs 13:24 AMP
- “Discipline your children while you still have the chance; indulging them destroys them.” Proverbs 19:18 MSG
- “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” Proverbs 22:15 AMP
- “Don’t be afraid to correct your young ones; a spanking won’t kill them. A good spanking, in fact, might save them from something worse than death.” Proverbs 23:13-14 MSG
- Eating between meals not allowed.
- As children they are to be in bed by 8 p.m.
- They are required to take medicine without complaining.
- Subdue self- will in a child, and those working together with God to save the child’s soul.
- To teach a child to pray as soon as he can speak.
- Require all to be still during Family Worship.
- Give them nothing that they cry for, and only that when asked for politely.
- To prevent lying, punish no fault which is first confessed and repented of.
- Never allow a sinful act to go unpunished.
- Never punish a child twice for a single offense.
- Comment and reward good behavior.
- Any attempt to please, even if poorly performed, should be commended.
- Preserve property rights, even in smallest matters.
- Strictly observe all promises.
- Require no daughter to work before she can read well.
- Teach children to fear the rod.
While few today would agree, the Breaking method of parenting is arguably the most Biblical of the three styles, particularly when incorporating Bending and Redirecting. Nevertheless, given it’s reliance on corporal punishment it may appear (to others) and feel (to parents and children) draconian by today’s standards, even when carefully administered and quickly followed by loving instruction and/or embrace.
This methodology also seems extreme when dealing with well behaved and even timid children. In Susannah Wesley’s day, the will of all offspring were broken and then rebuilt under somewhat ridged guidelines. Even if best in long run, such a philosophy looks to be to unnecessarily severe when compared to modern thinking.
While Breaking discipline has lost favor in both secular and religious society in developed worlds, we do well to consider the principles as to why Scripture recommends it and what may be the result of neglecting Biblical directives.
2. Bending: This method is far more tolerant than Breaking, seeking to preserve and nurture a child’s self esteem by patience and nuance. A compromise between the harshness of Breaking and the timidity of Redirecting, Bending employs corporal punishment only after other forms of discipline fail. Requiring more time and energy, it lends itself to modern lifestyles having ample supplies of both. On the upside, both parents and children enjoy at least some of the benefits of each of the other philosophies. On the downside, having never fully broken a child’s will often results in lingering and even growing will-full-ness.
Scriptures helpful to such a parenting style include the following:
- “Just make sure you stay alert. Keep close watch over yourselves. Don’t forget anything of what you’ve seen. Don’t let your heart wander off. Stay vigilant as long as you live. Teach what you’ve seen and heard to your children and grandchildren.” Deuteronomy 4:9 MSG
- “Pay close attention, friend, to what your father tells you; never forget what you learned at your mother’s knee.” Proverbs 1:8 MSG
- “For whom the Lord loves He corrects, even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.” Proverbs 3:12 AMP
- “Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6 AMP
- “Wise discipline imparts wisdom; spoiled adolescents embarrass their parents.” Proverbs 29:15 MSG
- “Discipline your children; you’ll be glad you did—they’ll turn out delightful to live with.” Proverbs 29:17 MSG
- “Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.” Ephesian 6:4 MSG
- “Children, do what your parents tell you. This delights the Master no end. Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits.” Colossians 3:20-21 MSG
- “But as for you, continue in the things that you have learned and of which you are convinced [holding tightly to the truths], knowing from whom you learned them, and how from childhood you have known the sacred writings (Hebrew Scriptures) which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus [surrendering your entire self to Him and having absolute confidence in His wisdom, power and goodness].” 2 Timothy 3:14-15 AMP
- “Let God train you, for he is doing what any loving father does for his children. Whoever heard of a son who was never corrected? If God doesn’t punish you when you need it, as other fathers punish their sons, then it means that you aren’t really God’s son at all—that you don’t really belong in his family. Since we respect our fathers here on earth, though they punish us, should we not all the more cheerfully submit to God’s training so that we can begin really to live?” Hebrews 12:7-9 TLB
3. Redirecting: The final style of active parenting is that of Redirecting. Parent’s deciding not to spank or the equivalent thereof (such as pinching…) must find even more creative ways to channel children’s natural proclivities (good and bad) into healthy outlets in hopes of creating wise and well adjusted adults.
Most expensive across the board in time, energy and money such a philosophy is best suited for pro-active parents happily investing their resources to research and develop a plan capable of meeting the traditional challenges of childhood. As well as a long list of growing modern concerns.
Here again, a good game plan should address both immediate, long term and even eternal issues and behavior. The development and use of well thought out words of kindhearted instruction help reflect a parent’s true goals even in the face of flagrant disobedience. Consider the following example from and interview with Jim and Lynne Jackson from Connected Families hosted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
“Imagine your child has just left another mess on the dinner table in spite of your clear instruction to clean it up. A behavior-focused statement might be something to this effect, “You left a mess again. Why are you so messy? Now clean it up or you’ll get a consequence!” The parent will firmly follow through and either the mess will get cleaned or the consequence administered.
Sounds good right? When parents focus on behavior they tend to evaluate effectiveness based on immediate results. If the child complied, then the discipline “worked.” But there is always more to surface behavior than meets the eye. Behavior grows out of a belief system. So it’s helpful to ask, “What is my child believing about themselves?” when it’s time to discipline.
Under the surface of behavior-focused interactions, kids are learning far less about right from wrong than they are about what mom or dad thinks about that child. And this is REALLY important because our children look to what we think about them to help them figure out for themselves who they are. They form their identity, their beliefs about who they are around their perceptions of what we think and say.
So let’s look at this behavior-focused approach to see what kids might be learning to believe about themselves. Consider the first phrase the child hears from the behavior-focused statement. “You left a mess again.” Implicit in this statement are subtle messages.
1. First, the word “you” suggests the problem isn’t the mess, but the child.
2. The word “again” implies this has happened before.
3. So right at the outset the identity message a child likely perceives is “I am a frequent problem.”
If this is the normal sort of approach then the child forms self-identity according to the messages. In an identity-focused approach parents learn to take great care of their language and perceived meaning. The statement might be addressed more like this, “I see you haven’t gotten to that mess just yet. What is your plan about that?”
1. In this approach the statement is about the mess, not about the child.
2. The question enlists the child’s problem solving ability, thus communicating the message, “You can do this, you are capable of solving this,” while keeping the child accountable for the cleaning.
3. This also communicates an important message, “You are responsible.”
Now, knowing that you, the parent reading this, are madly in love with your kids (even if there is frustration about challenging behaviors), we invite you to consider what identity messages your kids get when you discipline them?”
Note: For more excellent parenting tips please visit ConnectedFamilies.org. GB suggests downloading their free introductory offer: "4 Messages Every Child Longs To Hear." Along with a myriad of helpful resources, we highly recommend Jim and Lynne Jackson’s book Discipline That Connects With Your Child’s Heart (available in audio book read by authors, as well as Kindle and Audible formats).
It’s easy to see that without more direct conventional forms of discipline to rely on, Redirecting parents must master deeper forms of honesty and the craft of persuasion. Even while enjoying their children immensely, they must quickly and clearly recognize both subtle and outlandish signs signaling “parenting moments.” Like wrestlers or Aikido experts, proficiency is required in channelling their opponents (children’s) strength (good and bad behavior) into a steady stream of opportunities for mental and physical, social and spiritual growth.
Insightful planning can facilitate spontaneous feats of flexibility and fluidity, allowing redirection to motivate thoughts and feelings, words and behavior of even willful children. Particularly when modern relationship and technological variables are carefully considered:
1. Baby Boomers: Birth years ranging from the early-to-mid 1940s and ending birth years ranging from 1960 to 1964. Childhood for this generation meant outdoor play with family and friends. Bikes and balls (baseballs, footballs, soccer balls, kick balls, rubber balls, tennis balls, tether balls, super balls, golf balls…) rather than SUV’s and screens (TV, theater, computer, smart phone, iPad, iPod, smart watch…) were the norm.
2. Generation X: Birth years ranging from the early-to-mid 1960s to the early 1980s. Transitional from Baby Boomers to Millennials.
3. Millennials: Researchers typically use the early 1980s as starting birth years and the mid-1990s to early 2000s as ending birth years. These and many Gen X began the “great replacement” of balls with screens. Often viewing with others, physically being with friends still played an important role in childhood.
4. Generation Z: Researchers typically use the mid-1990s to mid-2000s as starting birth years. These, including those born recently, have all but transitioned completely to screens and social media. Rather than grabbing an after school snack and heading out the door till nightfall, these are glued to watching and listening to devices often simultaneously.
For the most part, parents of Gen Z kids consider Breaking and Bending passé if not barbaric. Outside the occasional spank, they rely on some form of Redirection or often nothing at all. Most are able to do so only with continuous help from flat screens, and a thousand cable channels, DVD’s and Netflix, PlayStations and Apps, Texting and music streaming.
Redirect Example
For better and worse, technological innovation is here to stay. To the degree wisdom allows, we do well to take advantage of trillion dollar industries as often as possible. Consider this common example:
Since the parents work, pre-schooler(s) generally spend a full day at day care. This leaves an hour or so before and several hours after school for interaction with parents. Parents and children spend mornings getting ready for the day. Children spend evenings in entertainment and exploration, watching screens and making messes, loving and fighting. Parents coach and referee, hug and scold while cooking and cleaning, shopping and working out…
Such a schedule often results in anything but domestic bliss. Clearly time (personal and otherwise), if not energy (family responsibilities) and money (day care costs…) are in short supply. Particularly for the Redirecting parents who require double the TEM. Such a recipe can easily spell disaster.
Now throw into the mix the foibles and faults of one or both parents, traits often exacerbated by challenging circumstances. Stir in distant or non existent grandparents and/or extended family (for physical and emotional support) and our delicious stew may seem more a witches brew.
As any good wrestler knows, takedowns, escapes and reversals can lead to victories. For example, should the parents above also be concerned about the amount of time their children spend watching videos a little thoughtful planning might do the trick.
After-school: Our equally smart and strong willed 4 year old preschooler is learning to read by phonics. It’s abundantly clear that rather than do homework she intends to watch P.J. Mask cartoons. Parent(s) say “no” but they’re tired out themselves and not really looking forward to helping with homework, doing housework (laundry…) and maybe even passing along (instead of violating) their own values in the process. Here’s an idea:
1. Using an expendable iPad (beautifully designed educator and entertainer) her parents (or grandparents) research, purchase and download a simple yet interesting reading app based on phonics. They do the same with some streaming moral/religious videos.
2. Along with a couple of minutes of instruction (or not these days) our preschooler is informed that if she spends 20 minutes working with the phonics app, she can choose her own 20 minute Super Book Bible cartoon from Amazon Prime after which she can watch a 20 minute episode of P.J. Masks on Netflix.
3. She agrees and starts in. Folding laundry in earshot, the parent can hear if daughter is simply guessing by hearing the app repeat, “try again” instead of “great!” Listening, the parent coaches “You can’t just guess. Sound out the first letters of the word to find a match.” Laundry folded and adjoining rooms being straightened up, our preschooler is finished and picking out a Super Book video. At this point her equally part sweet and loud younger brother stops running and climbing on things long enough to notice Sissy’s cartoon. Plopping down beside her they’re both engrossed for the next 40 minutes allowing parent(s) of much needed schedule flexibility.
4. In this way, an old iPad helps to tutor a dearly loved preschooler into obedience, productivity and thankfulness. The three aspects of sanctification, while providing an hour of lightly managed time.
One frequently undervalued Scripture previously mentioned is found in Ephesians 6, a chapter famous for both instructions to families and insights into spiritual warfare. A interesting combination.
- "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:1-4 NIV
The website GotQuestions.org offers some sound advice based on this verse, helpful for both fathers and mothers:
"Ephesians 6:4 is a summary of instructions to the father, stated in both a negative and positive way. “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” The negative part of this verse indicates that a father is not to foster negativity in his children by severity, injustice, partiality, or unreasonable exercise of authority. Harsh, unreasonable conduct towards a child will only serve to nurture evil in the heart. The word “provoke” means “to irritate, exasperate, rub the wrong way, or incite.” This is done by a wrong spirit and wrong methods—severity, unreasonableness, sternness, harshness, cruel demands, needless restrictions, and selfish insistence upon dictatorial authority. Such provocation will produce adverse reactions, deadening children’s affection, reducing their desire for holiness, and making them feel that they cannot possibly please their parents. A wise parent seeks to make obedience desirable and attainable by love and gentleness."
"The positive part of Ephesians 6:4 is expressed in a comprehensive direction—educate them, bring them up, develop their conduct in all of life by the instruction and admonition of the Lord. This is the whole process of educating and discipline. The word “admonition” carries the idea of reminding the child of faults (constructively) and duties (responsibilities)."
"The Christian father is really an instrument in God's hand. The whole process of instruction and discipline must be that which God commands and which He administers, so that His authority should be brought into constant and immediate contact with the mind, heart, and conscience of children. The human father should never present himself as the ultimate authority to determine truth and duty. It is only by making God the teacher and ruler on whose authority everything is done that the goals of education can best be attained."
"Martin Luther said, “Keep an apple beside the rod to give the child when he does well.” Discipline must be exercised with watchful care and constant training with much prayer. Chastening, discipline, and counsel by the Word of God, giving both reproof and encouragement, is at the core of “admonition.” The instruction proceeds from the Lord, is learned in the school of Christian experience, and is administered by the parents—primarily the father, but also, under his direction, the mother. Christian discipline is needed to enable children to grow up with reverence for God, respect for parental authority, knowledge of Christian standards, and habits of self-control."
“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16-17). A father’s first responsibility is to acquaint his children with Scripture. The means and methods that fathers may use to teach God's truth will vary. As the father is faithful in role modeling, what children learn about God will put them in good standing throughout their earthly lives, no matter what they do or where they go." Click here for full article.
Spiritual Concerns
Honesty is the crown jewel of virtue. It may also be a parent’s most important attribute or fatal flaw for the following reasons:
1. Truth: Without the willingness to fearlessly inventory the strengths and weaknesses of ourselves and spouse, it will difficult to incorporate them into plans for successful parenting.
2. Faithfulness: To the degree that we as parents are insensitive and/or disobedient to our heavenly Father, it may be hard to not be hypocritical in asking children to do better.
3. Repentance: Acknowledging our dependance on and frequent disobedience to God requires a growing level of brokenness and lifestyle change.
4. Communication: Successful communication rests on a foundation of admitting and addressing both our Godly goals as well as interfering thoughts and emotions. (see Connected Families example above).
Given the many and varied challenges facing families, both in time and eternity, honesty also recognizes the need for robust faith. For Christians this means appreciating the evidence for Biblical authority and diligent study of Scripture for wisdom and insight.
The Bible warns that in all aspects of life, including parenting, knowing the correct form and function is not enough either in time or eternity. For Christian parents this spiritual component can hardly be over emphasized. According to Scripture, only those filled and walking in the Spirit have realistic hope in overcoming our own shortcomings. Much less those of others:
- “I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?” Romans 7:18-24 MSG
Elsewhere Paul reveals that neither we nor our children live in a vacuum. Rather sin within and about us is largely orchestrated by sin above in the form Devilish entitlement and resistance:
- “And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels. Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.” Ephesians 6:10-12 MSG
And this in the face of unprecedented challenges to a Biblical worldview. In a single generation millennia of morality has been inverted, ushering in an era of unparalleled confusion during the very height of the the information age. Mass denial of the existence of God, the personhood of the pre-born and gender identity top an every growing list of jettisoned truth. Mounting pressure from liberal laws and entertainment are indoctrinated by political correctness guidelines daily reinforced by educational institutions and social media.
Such Goliaths threaten the very foundation of Judeo-Christian culture, not to mention the plans of well intentioned parents, particularly those lacking discernment and vigilance:
- “Dear friends, I’ve dropped everything to write you about this life of salvation that we have in common. I have to write insisting—begging!—that you fight with everything you have in you for this faith entrusted to us as a gift to guard and cherish.” Jude 3 MSG
- “Therefore I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies [dedicating all of yourselves, set apart] as a living sacrifice, holy and well-pleasing to God, which is your rational (logical, intelligent) act of worship. And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].” Romans 12:1-2 AMP
- “Again, if the trumpet does not sound a clear call, who will get ready for battle?” 1 Corinthians 14:8 NIV
In all honesty, it’s little wonder we so often loose the battle for the hearts and minds, souls and spirits of our family and friends. It’s one thing to fight and fail and quite another to fail to fight.
Pithy Parenting Quotes
"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." ― Peggy O'Mara
"If from infancy you treat children as gods, they are liable in adulthood to act as devils." ― P.D. James
"Children have to be educated, but they have also to be left to educate themselves." ― Ernest Dimnet
"Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up." ― Ray Romano
"Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories." ― John Wilmot
"We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up." ― Phyllis Diller
"To bring up a child in the way he should go - travel that way yourself once in a while." ― Josh Billings
"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." ― Oscar Wilde
"We may not be able to prepare the future for our children, but we can at least prepare our children for the future." ― Franklin D. Roosevelt
"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires." ― Dorothy Parker
"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them." ― James Baldwin
"Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. " ― Phyllis Diller
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